Australian Open Renaming to “First Nations Open”
Melbourne, Australia – In a stunning and not-at-all controversial move, the Australian Open has announced its transformation into the “First Nations Open” and declared a complete boycott of any Australia Day celebrations on January 26th. Tournament organizers insist that this bold decision is aimed at promoting inclusivity and avoiding anything remotely Australian on the supposedly Australian event.
The decision comes as part of the tournament’s commitment to respecting the diverse cultures of the land and acknowledging the historical significance of the First Nations people. With a packed calendar including First Nations Day, Pride Day, All Abilities Day, Glam-Slam for LGBTI+, COVID Booster Day and Peroni Beer Day the organisers realised they needed at least a few days of regular tennis.
“We’ve decided that celebrating Australia during the Australian Open is cultural appropriation of the British settlers and not something we want to be associated with our brand,” said the tournament director, who was spotted sipping chai tea and watching the live stream from Davos. “We want this event to be a safe space for everyone, where the only ‘aces’ are those of social justice, and the only ‘love’ is for the planet and inclusivity.”
The decision not to celebrate Australia Day during the First Nations Open has drawn mixed reactions. Some are praising the tournament’s dedication to political correctness, while others argue that it’s just a thinly veiled attempt to avoid Peter Dutton attending as they can count on him to boycott the event now.
One disgruntled fan tweeted, “I come to the Australian Open for tennis, not political correctness! I miss the days when the only controversy was over line calls, not national holidays. #NotMyGrandSlam.”
In response to the criticism, the tournament organisers released a statement saying, “We understand that change can be difficult for some people, especially when it involves less excuses to drink beer. But rest assured, the First Nations Open will be a beacon of progressiveness in the tennis world, and maybe we’ll play some Tennis.”
