Dan Andrews Cancels Commonwealth Games, Declares Himself Victorian of the Year

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA – In a stunning turn of events, Victorian Premier Dan Andrews has officially declared himself the Victorian of the Year, snatching the prestigious title away from controversial outgoing chief health officer Brett Sutton. The surprise announcement came just days after Andrews decided to cancel Victoria’s hosting of the highly anticipated 2026 Commonwealth Games, citing “cost issues” and an urgent need for self-appreciation.

Andrews, known for his decisive leadership during the state’s harshest Covid lockdowns, appeared at a hastily arranged press conference wearing a self-designed gold medal. With a triumphant smile on his face, he proclaimed, “I hereby declare myself the Victorian of the Year! Ultimately Brett Sutton was just doing what I told him too, so this was rightfully mine the whole time.”

The Premier’s audacious move left the audience dumbfounded. Journalists frantically scribbled notes, struggling to grasp the gravity of this unexpected twist. One reporter bravely asked, “But Mr. Andrews, what about the Commonwealth Games? Won’t this damage Victoria’s reputation on the world stage?.”

Andrews casually brushed off the concern, replying, “Oh, the Commonwealth Games? Well, after careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that my personal accolades are far more valuable to this great state than some silly international sporting event.”

While some citizens scratched their heads in confusion, others couldn’t help but admire the Premier’s audacity. Twitter exploded with a mix of support and bewilderment. Hashtags like #DanTheChampion and #ThanksDan began trending, as Victorians grappled with the realisation that their leader had successfully canceled a major event to claim a title for himself.

However, not everyone was thrilled with Andrews’ self-coronation. Opposition politicians criticised the Premier’s decision, arguing that canceling the Commonwealth Games was a hasty and shortsighted move. “It’s unfortunate that our Premier seems more interested in winning awards than showcasing our state on the world stage,” one opposition leader remarked.

In the wake of Andrews’ declaration, the Commonwealth Games Federation is scrambling to find a new host city for 2026. Rumours are circulating that China, a huge fan of Dan Andrews, might step up to the plate.